Rated GD
by Mary Sue Hunter
Summary: It's Agent Hunter's birthday, but instead of a cake and a couple birthday presents, he gets an annoying new partner and a case rated GD. PPC-style.
1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! not

I do not own or claim to own any part of Harry Potter. All rights are reserved to those who own them.

**Chapter one: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! -not.**

Hunter was sitting back in his chair, with his feet propped up on his desk. His baseball cap covered his face, and it was shaking noticeably as he snored. The office door swung open, but he didn't wake up.

"Ready?" whispered a woman in a bright red suit. She and several other employees crept to his desk, and carefully placed a birthday cake on top of a pile of folder's labeled "Cases to put off for later".

One of the women put a party hat on his head, over the top of the baseball cap, made sure everything was ready, and counted to three on her fingers. Everyone screamed, "Surprise!"

"Jesus Christ! What the He..."

"Happy Birthday Hunter!" He blinked rapidly, and rubbed his forehead.

"Do you have to do this every year?"

"Well, you put your guard down!" He sat there and blinked for a second.

"I fell asleep in my contacts again too. I'll be back in a sec!" He was getting up when an annoying beep came over the intercom.

"Calling Agent Hunter, Calling Agent Hunter, report to the front office immediately!"

"What?" he shouted. "It's my birthday for crying out loud!"

"The party can wait," said the woman in a bright red suit.

He sighed, and walked out of his office. When he reach the front office, he was greeted by an over enthusiastic handshake. "Hi! I'm Ronda! Pleased to meet you! I'm so excited to be working with you Agent Hunter- you are Agent Hunter right? What a great name! I'm really good, I just graduated and I can hardly wait to kill a few Mary S-"

"Whoa, wait a sec. Can you talk any slower?"

Ronda nodded so fast it looked like her head was vibrating. He stared a second, and walked up to the office door. Ronda followed suit. Trying to ignore her, he leaned into the office and asked, "Did I forget to fill out the papers properly again?"

The secretary looked at him from behind her heavy glasses, sending a shiver up his spine. That look of hers gave him the creeps every time. "No," she said sternly. "You're being given a partner," she snapped.

"Oh. Who?" The secretary pointed behind him at the grinning Ronda, who looked like she could hardly keep still. "What? No, please, not her..."

"You have a difficult assignment ahead," she said, giving him the creepy glare again.

"What's the assignment?" he asked, brightening up right away. The secretary slid her chair back and pulled open the bottom most drawer. She flipped through the files until she found one that said, "Hunter, Jessi" on the top. She pulled out the manila folder, and handed it to him. He opened it up, and started to read through the folder and wander back to his office at the same time.

"Let me see! Let me see!" said Ronda, hopping up and down, trying to get a glimpse of the folder's contents.

"Don't you have your own folder?"

Ronda paused, and raced back to the office. Hunter jumped behind a corner and continued reading. Ronda broke his thoughts by calling, "Hunter sir! Where did you go?" but Hunter was trying to ignore her to the best of his abilities. He was reading through the lengthy legal garble, and trying to decipher what type of mission this was. Finally he got to the forth page, and did not like what he saw. No wonder they wanted him to work with someone else.

"It's my birthday for Christ's sake!" he shouted.

"So Happy Birthday!" shouted the secretary. His cover was blown, and Ronda found him.

"What's so bad about the mission? Aren't you excited to be on a mission?"

"Not exactly."

"Why?"

"Because we're stuck with the worst type of Mary Sue to fight," he said, trudging sadly back to his office door.

"Why's it so bad?"

"Because the Mary Sue has taken the form of one of the canon characters, and it's so bad I can't put it in my 'Cases to be put off till later' pile."

"Why?"

"Because it has a birthday cake on it."

"Oh. But couldn't you just move the Birthday cake?" Hunter groaned and opened his office door.

"Bad news buddies. Party canceled."

"Why? What happened?"

He threw the Manila folder onto the desk like it was an old banana peeling that had been sitting in someone's closet for several years.

"Oh, you have a case, what type?" asked the lady in the red suit.

"The worst. Rated GD."

A chorus of "Oh I'm so sorry Hunter," and "I guess I'll have to put the party hats away for later," came, and left Hunter alone in his office with a manila folder and someone not taller than his elbow asking, "Can we start now? And what does Rated GD mean?"

"Ginny/Draco."

"I thought that wasn't possible!"

"In the twisted mind of the Mary Sue writer, anything is possible."


	2. Plot Keys

Disclaimer: I do not lay claim to or own anything J. K. Rowling created. All rights are reserved for those who own them.

Unlike most PPC writers, I won't be using someone's actual story; I'll be using the sample that I painfully wrote. This way I won't break any of 's rules.

If you can convince me with your story that Ginny and Draco falling in love is possible with both characters being completely in-character, then I have nothing against the Ginny/Draco ship in your hands. However, the majority of people here should not be writing any kind of romance and should be taking writing classes instead. That goes for the Hermione/Draco ship too.

**Chapter Two-Plot Keys**

Hunter sighed, and flipped to the back of his folder. "Get your plot key. It'll be in the back of your folder."

"What's a Plot Key?" asked Ronda, waving around a little metal dog tag she had found in the back of her folder.

"It's what we use to slip into the Mary Sue writer's plot. It puts you between the lines," Hunter said as he started to walk out of the office door.

"What do you mean?" Ronda asked, trying to follow him.

"We go between the lines of the story, so we're watching the plot but not really a part of it." Hunter walked quickly, hoping against hope that she wouldn't be able to catch up.

"Reading between the lines!" she panted, jogging alongside.

Hunter ran around the corner and jumped into the men's room.

"Hey buddy!" said one of his co-workers at the urinals. "I heard about the case. Bill said something about you having to train a new partner. Who's the lucky guy?"

"It's a girl. A grad-student. I don't know how she ever got in here."

"Hunter! Mr. Hunter!" Ronda called into the rest room.

"Good luck," said his co-worker, who gave Hunter a push out the door. "I'll meet you at the bar tonight, if you come back in one piece."

"Thanks Will."

Hunter hurried out the door, and sped to the Armory Room. Ronda sprinted behind him like a lost puppy. When they finally got there, and gave the Armory Room Manager their plot keys. "We need," Hunter panted, "the most powerful wands possible."

"Wands?" gasped Ronda. "Why do we need wands?"

"Gottah be canon correct," Hunter wheezed.

A few seconds later, the Armory Manager returned. "Here you go Hunter. Mahogany, 10 inches, dragon heartstring. And for you miss…"

"Ronda!" she squeaked.

The Armory Manager raised his eyebrow. "Miss Ronda, your wand is willow, 7 inches, unicorn hair." As they turned to leave he whispered to Hunter, "Good luck Hunter. Should I cancel tonight's plans of crashing at the bar?"

"I'll try to make it back in time."

"Okay, see you then."

"Hunter!" Ronda called from the end of the hall, just now realizing that he wasn't following her.

"I'm coming!" He sighed, and headed after her.

A few minutes later they arrived at a door labeled: Plot Entry Point. Below the sign was another, made of college rule notebook paper.

"'The Point of No Return', how appropriate," Hunter thought.

"What are you staring at?" asked Ronda, tugging on his sleeve.

"Nothing. Let's go. Ladies first?"

"Uh, Mr. Hunter, I don't know how, shouldn't you show me first?"

Hunter sighed, and opened the door. A metallic robot-like voice immediately responded, "Please insert your plot key into the slot." He slammed his hand on the "Silence Voice Prompts" button under the light switch.

"Okay. Take your Plot Key, the thing that looks like a dog tag, and stuff it into this slot, right here. Then type whatever shows up on this screen. You have to type it under 10 seconds exactly like it is on the screen or else you'll have to start all over again. Got it? Go." Hunter pulled Ronda into the room and watched her do exactly what he said. He watched in happiness as she disappeared, hoping that the link would be faulty, and she ended up in a twisted necrophilia "The Lost World, Jurassic Park II" lemon. Deciding that he shouldn't get his hopes up, he stuck his Plot Key in the slot, and typed the sentence that appeared on the screen-"Draco and Hermione will never sleep together."-- and a few seconds later he appeared in a plain, white void.

"Hunter!" Ronda squealed. "Where are we?"

"Shush," Hunter growled.

The same cold metallic voice sounded in the empty space. "When you are ready to begin, say the following words in the same order: Hippogriff, Vomit, Cabbage, Cat."

Hunter took a deep breath and said, "On three. Ready?" Ronda nodded rapidly.

"One, two, three; hippogriff vomit cabbage cat!" And the white void was replaced with… another white void.

"Did we do anything wrong?" asked Ronda.

"No, wait a sec."

A bag of earplugs appeared before them, along with a clipboard that had about a hundred pieces of paper clipped to it, and a box of mechanical pencils. "Do we really need the ear plugs?"

Suddenly a high pitched, annoying voice screeched, "OMG Tom Folten is sooooooo hottie that I rote this sorie cause hes hot! His all MINE!!!11 dicamer: discamers suc. So their. Flamers suc 2 so shudup. Gin gin and dracie are my cuple & if u don like me storie shutup & dont reed it!."

Ronda screamed, and Hunter covered his ears. "W… what was that?" Ronda yelled.

Hunter yelled into her ear, "That would be the author note!"

**Hunter's Notes:**

Disclaimer: Not legal. "Author" can be sued!

Author Note:

Writing Style:

Plot:

Messages to author: Disclaimers make writing fan fiction legal. The lack of them makes a story an infringement of copyright--plagiarism.****


	3. Author Notes and a NonDescript Void With...

Disclaimer: I do not lay claim to or own anything J. K. Rowling created. All rights are reserved for those who own them.

Unlike most PPC writers, I won't be using someone's actual story; I'll be using the sample that I painfully wrote. This way I won't break any of 's rules.

**Chapter three: Author Notes and a Non-Descript Void With Something In It**

Ronda cautiously lifted her hands over her ears after several seconds of silence. "Is it…" she whispered, but she never got to finish her sentence.

"I luv tomm foltun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1" the author note continued.

"It's going to be a long one," Hunter mumbled, and tore open the package of earplugs. He took out two and hastily put them on, before giving the bag to Ronda. The author note blasted away as she stuffed them in her ears.

"Evil authoress: hay Gin! Im gonna rit a storie with u in it!"

"Oh no," Hunter shouted, "a scripted author note!"

"What do we do?"

Hunter didn't reply, but he picked up the clipboard and pencil and wrote, "Author Note: Lack of useful information, uses chatspeek and slang, abuse of punctuation marks, lack of spell-checker use, bad nick-names used for character names, scripted. Messages to author: Author notes should only used if they present something useful. Otherwise you are wasting your reader's time."

Meanwhile the author note screamed on, "Gin: why? Do u have 2? Im snogging with drakie rit now Drakky:yeah can it wait? Evil authoress: u get 2 snogg lots in my storie so get in there now"

"First impression," Hunter scribbled, "is the lasting impression. You will turn your mature future readers away if you present yourself as an immature brat."

Ronda peered over Hunter's shoulder when the last echo's had dissipated. "Do I get to write anything?"

"Yes, but not now."

"I have 30 credits in English Language Arts."

"For now, you get to hang on for the ride. If I miss anything you can point it out. This is your first one, so I don't expect you to do very much."

"Oh," Ronda mumbled.

"Nobody does much on their first mission. My first one was in a Lord of the Rings Pirates of the Caribbean crossover, and it was a shipwrecked disaster. My partner and me got stranded between the lines when the author deleted the story. Someone had told her to use a spell checker and she suffered 'mentle trama' according to her."

"If that happened in Lord of the Rings, why aren't you in that department now?"

"We are under-staffed in the Harry Potter Fandom. Lord of the Rings Mary Sues are disgusting and horribly obvious, but in Harry Potter they account for 50 of the fandom, compared to the 30 of the Lord of the Rings Fandom."

Before Ronda could reply, the white void suddenly had something in it, a non-descript room with a character Ronda had never seen sleeping in a non-descript bed in front of them. "Is the story starting?" Ronda whispered.

"Yes," Hunter replied, with his normal volume of speech. "You can be as loud as you want, we're between the lines, not actually part of the story."

"Oh," Ronda mumbled, for the second time in the last few minutes. She pulled out her earplugs and put them in her pocket.

The character before them suddenly had a name, "Gin", and "Gin" did something. What the "Gin" had done wasn't quite clear, as the author had made a spelling mistake.

"That was weird."

"It gets better," Hunter said, glancing at the hazy thing before them as he started writing again.

**Hunter's Notes:**

Disclaimer: Not legal. "Author" can be sued!

Author Note: Lack of useful information, uses chatspeek and slang, abuse of punctuation marks, lack of spell-checker use, bad nick-names used for character names, poor grammar, scripted.

Writing Style: Lack of description. See "Author Note" for technical errors.

Plot:

Messages to author: Disclaimers make writing fan fiction legal. The lack of them makes a story an infringement of copyright--plagiarism.  
Author notes should only used if they present something useful. Otherwise you are wasting your reader's time.  
First impression is the lasting impression. You will turn your mature future readers away if you present yourself as an immature brat.  
Spelling, grammar, and use of proper English are needed if you want someone to understand and enjoy what you write.


End file.
